Week 29 - "This is just part of the reality of the work." Sometimes it's REALLY HARD!

Hi Mom,

I'm missing you a lot this week, just wanted to send a quick email. Maybe we'll be able to talk a bit before I leave the Library today.

Sister Mathis and I are still struggling to find a flow, haha. It's been a rough week. We operate very differently, are on very different levels of maturity, and have very similar personalities (stubborn). The thing is I love her, because I totally identify with where she's at right now. I see a lot of a younger me in her. I do not want to hurt her at all, and would love to build, lift and help her! But I also have no idea how to deal with her sometimes. I know she loves me too, but a lot of what I do bugs her too. We tried talking about it, but didn't really get anywhere. We both have agreed to try to compromise on things we do differently, but both have no idea how to help each other. Yesterday was an emotional day, haha. Both of us ended up in tears at different points in the day.

My Good Friend, Jerry - Investigator in Corinth, Mississippi

Then I received a hard phone call from Sister Terry last night, telling me that one of my good friends and former investigators in Corinth passed away Friday morning. Her name is Jerry. Sisters Nielsen, Chibataka and I knocked on her door early in our transfer together, and I've met with her weekly for the past three months, until moving to Hoover. I sat with her, talked with her, and hugged her a week and a half ago.. I'm having a really hard time with it.

Jerry was a special woman, who I cared a lot about. When we initially met her, we felt we needed to teach her about the Plan of Salvation to start, rather than the Restoration. In talking with her, we found out that her son had passed away in his mid twenties a few years ago, and she was still really struggling with it. We felt it was important to just love and
comfort her and spend time with her. Sister Terry and I would share scripture with her, and talk about whatever she needed to.


She had become very ill with kidney failure, and a couple times we stopped by she was in too much pain to sit up. Because of the nature of her kidney failure she was on the bottom of the donor list.

Jerry would always tell us how beautiful and young we were, and that we needed to take care of ourselves. She was always concerned about our safety, our happiness, and often pleaded with us to continue down the path we were on, and never let anything take us where we would not be happy. She was loved by all of her neighbors that I met. One thing I loved so much was her bluntness. She was very kind and gentle, but when something didn't make sense to her, she didn't beat around the bush about it, haha! The day thispicture was taken one of her neighbors was over talking with us all, and she was just jabbering away without taking a breath, or letting anyone else speak. Finally when she walked away, Jerry kept her eyes straight forward and said with an even tone, "You can't tell me that woman isn't on drugs..." Haha!.. maybe you had to be there, but it was the funniest thing coming out of such a sweet and quite women's mouth.

​Jerry is the one sitting next to me. I used to joke with her that we could be related, because we have the same eyes.

My Patriarchal Blessing states that I would have the ability to bring "beauty where there is much ugliness, and light where there is much darkness." But sometimes I wonder how much light and beauty I have to offer, when I seem to be so overtaken when things like this happen. As missionaries, we spend a lot of time around people who have livedincredibly hard and sad lives. Sometimes the ugly and dark is just too thick, and I feel too weak.

I was really upset last night, and ended up calling President at the urging of Sister Mathis. He talked to me for a while, and shared some very comforting words. He talked about Alma 40:11 

"..that the spirits of all men , as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life." 

He shared that he believes it is then that God is able to take us in his arms, love us, and heal us of those mental and emotional illnesses that some of us experience in mortality, which can hold us back from fully understanding the Gospel, and accepting it. He said that despite the heartache Jerry was suffering, the seeds that were planted here on earth are going to continue to be nurtured on the other side. That she is going to be smiling down on us with love and gratitude as she continues to learn, in the healing of the Savior. I do believe that Jerry will accept the Gospel. I love her, and will always be grateful for the opportunity it was to have her part of my life.

I'm just really feeling overwhelmed I think. I told you last week that Grandma Barker isn't doing well. I was able to write and send her a letter on Tuesday. I received an email today from Penni saying Grandma Barker got my letter and was still coherent enough the read and understand it. But that now she is unable to communicate. She said my dad gave her a beautiful blessing last night, and that Grandma Smith is ever by her side caring for her. I'm just devastated Mom. I know everything is going to be ok, and thatGrandma is ready, it's just really hard. I want to be there with everyone, and I am going to miss her a lot. Her and I have always been close. I know you understand.

I'm going to send this now, because I see that you just wrote me. Next week will be better! This is just part of the reality of the work. I'm eternally grateful for the opportunity I have to be born into a family, and a life where I have the knowledge of the Gospel. Without it, I would not be strong enough. There are so many people who need this peace.

I love you so much!
T